When I left Austin, I was leaning towards the idea that a romantic relationship was something I wasn't in a hurry for, and more or less, not something I had wanted at all. Honestly, I thought God was asking me to take some time to pray deeply about joining religious life--yes, joining a convent and being a nun. I had been graced by the friendship of many sisters back in Austin and had that "at home" feeling in their Holy Cross community. So that was something I definitely wanted to spend time praying about. Joining a community isn't something I just came up with one day but something I have been sitting on for many years now. However, yesterday I am sitting in mass and God puts the desire on my heart to consider a relationship. I'm young and so I've only dated a couple of guys. I've known lots of very nice guys, but I've never met that A+ guy--I don't even think I've considered the idea that he could be out there. Now, don't run with that sentence the wrong way and think that I don't think I am good enough for some guy or anything, but just that for a while now, probably a big portion of my life, I have really never wanted a relationship or have considered what my life would be like if I was in one. For the most part, my life has always been just God, my family, and my friends. I know that I have all the time in the world, right? So, now, my focus of prayer has once again shifted from what I think God wants for me to do, to what makes me happy in life--essentially the same thing, if I am doing what God wants me to do, I will also be doing what makes me happy. Do I want someone to come home to everyday--do I want to fall in love and share that with someone else? Does it make me happy to commit my life to service and be put in situations that will always be out of my control? I am in absolutely no hurry to figure any of these things out, but it's definitely a new outlook for me to consider that my life is actually about me...what a concept. I know that the Lord will grant me the desires of my heart, whatever they may be.
I know that I love being in a place like I am now--where nothing seems "normal" and every day is a new adventure. I am on that big "great adventure of self discovery" to be as cliche as possible, but it is so much more. I definitely think in my life that I have been taken out to the desert many times...but I really think that what God is doing with me is what He did with Hosea when he took her out in the desert to speak tenderly to her heart. Amidst the sirens of the street and endless howl of the dogs in the night--I come to find different expressions of love from His heart to mine. For a lot of my life I have always let myself be in the position where I am the go to person for people in my life--no matter the situation. Whether I was doing it out of grace, or to make myself feel like I was doing good (because of course I am human) I was always trying to make myself available to others as "that person." Stubborn as I am, I had a hard time finding time for me and working on myself and what was best for me--what made me happy and who I wanted in my life. Granted, I wanted to study abroad anyways, God brought me across an ocean and away from most of the things that would prevent me from taking time for myself, to learn, love, heal, let go, and open my heart to what life has in store. He started with school. School is probably my number one stress in my life--I literally stress about school to the thin lines of perfection. I know all college kids have some sort of stress about school, but school has definitely always had a huge control over my life....so God got rid of it. Yes, I still go to school here, I am still learning, everything will count for college hours back home, and yes, I still do homework--but I live in a country where my grade is completely based off of attendance--and since I have a huge moral dilemma against missing class, I have almost guaranteed myself an A. Then He went to love. I have some trouble letting people just love me if that makes sense, and usually find that my favorite kind of love to have experienced comes from my two sets of grandparents, and older people from back home alike. So, God sets me up with two awesome Chilean parents who are so similar to my grandparents it's insane. It's like all day everyday I get that dose of love that is just awesome...you know the feeling, it's that ice cream for breakfast, hugs every moment, you can't do anything wrong kind of love.
Yep, this kind of love:
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