I don't write about my physical or mental health often because it's just...a lot. But today, for some reason, I started thinking about my mental health and games. I love games. In college, we used to play spades but at one point we had to find a new game to play because I was too competitive and made it less fun (oops). I grew up playing canasta with my parents and of course Monopoly and Yahtzee, all the typical kids games. I say this because one day, I got a letter in the mail from my oldest brother, Ryan, and it was a game. Being completely transparent, I have been diagnosed as Bipolar I and had just been released from the Behavior Health Hospital after having a severe suicidal depressive low. I was still low, but doing well enough that my doctor was willing to release me.
Depression is a thief. I did not feel like doing anything, talking to anyone (except my mom), getting out of bed--life was just rough. Knowing he was miles away, my brother had created a game for me to play. In the letter he told me there was a prize at the end and if I didn't want to play, just to let him know and he would just send me the prize. But he knows I am a gamer and had an inkling that I'd play. What he did was make activities and give each activity a point value. For instance, cook spaghetti (my favorite food) +2 pts, go to mass +10 pts, meet someone new +5 pts, and then I got a bonus 2 pts for everything I tweeted and hashtaged. I can't truly express how low I was at this time in my life but I was just making it minute by minute. But this game gave something to do--I know this sounds dramatic, but something to live for. I was excited to do the things on the list and accomplish something. It made me feel real, whole, like I mattered again. When I finally won the game (200 pts), he sent me the prize--a custom puzzle of mine and his dog that crossed the rainbow bridge together three or so years prior. I sat down and tried to do the puzzle but it was extremely hard. I took it home for Christmas and we all worked on it together and got it framed before I came home to Denison.
I look at the puzzle on my wall every day and am reminded of that time in my life compared to now. I have seen those dark times again but every time I have managed to come out on the other side. My family is my greatest support system, not to mention I have a small handful of good friends. But if you ever need something to keep you going, try a game--even if it is computer solitaire.
